Glastonbury Festival 2011

This week heralded the start of festival season in the UK, the time of the year when people gather in fields and listen to music. An age-old tradition, which today, sadly, has been overrun with corporate sponsors and celebrities. Thankfully, the amount of people on drugs makes up for the shameful display of capitalism.

Glastonbury has been running this week, and by the time the acts were tuning up on Friday, the rain had turned the big muddy field into a big muddy river where the field used to be.

For those not aware of this festival, it is famous for the live music that is beamed into your house on the weekend. In addition, it also features dancing, theatre, comedy, drugs, dreadlocks, drugs, drugs and drugs. For the fifth and last three reasons, it is the only festival I would consider going to now, as I reach the third decade of my existence on this planet. That is, having been to the Scottish equivalent, T in The Park, twice… I have no inclination to ever spend time there again amongst the boozers who can’t handle their drug.

The weather aside, the festival hit the news for a more tragic note this year when a Tory, and close associate of PM David Cameron was found dead in a portaloo. Festival organiser Michael Eavis was quick to announce that the death appeared to be a “suicide situation”, which was ruled out even quicker by authorities before anyone could know anything. Suspect. Tragic. Whatever.

Christopher Shale, multi-millionaire and a senior member of Cameron’s constituency was found in the VIP section toilets, where it is said he may have lay dead for up to 10 hours. Until the post-mortem it is being assumed that Shale suffered a massive heart attack.

The death of Shale was not enough to dampen the occasion though. Granted mostly everyone at the festival would not have heard about the tragic death, and even if they did I would assume that almost everyone at the festival would never have heard of him anyway. A multi-millionaire politician is not really going to come up on a hippie’s radar.

A toxicology test will be carried out.

Musically there was plenty on offer, some really good and some tremendously bad. The main stage headline acts, U2, Coldplay and Beyonce all put in an incredible effort… Well, Coldplay and Beyonce, I did not watch U2 as I value what little time we have on this planet and I do not plan to spend it watching Bono prance around a stage while “The Edge” plays a delay pedal.

Scottish band Biffy Clyro rocked the hippies to their very foundations. A ferocious display. One of the highlights. While their fellow countrymen Glasvegas came across like the local support band they should be. A truly horrendous display. The guy that holds the mic in that band came out like a cheap Joe Strummer with a messiah complex and proved that drugs don’t always lead to good music, there is a negative side. How they got anywhere near, a headline slot is a total mystery.

Queens Of The Stone Age on the other hand rocked faces, front man Josh Homme provided big dirty riffs and a lesson on how to be a total badass. While Morrisey managed to take time out from The Dutch Oven that is his life to warble through his undeniably pretentious back catalogue of music. He is the kind of singer that would say “You’re Welcome” to the crowd at the end of his set.

I managed to see bits and pieces of Beyonce, and it was mightily impressive. Great tunes. Great Thighs. Great Ass. Great Voice. Great Band. Great Lights. It was great, basically. But I switched over when I realised Monty Python was on the other side. You make your choices and you stick by them, I’ll catch the rest of Beyonce online.

That’s it over now. Everyone will vacate the fields and go home for a shower. It is not on next year because the Olympics need the portaloos, apparently.

In closing, The Vaccines, The Wombats, The Kills, Mumford & Sons, Glasvegas et all should pay more attention to learning how to play their instruments, and worry less about how the look when they play. The members of these bands all look like they practice in front of a mirror. Truly atrocious. The people watching this tripe should have gone to see a good band, like Dumb Instrument.

Till next time Hippies x

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